Thursday, October 7, 2010

There's a Monster Under The Couch/Bed/Deck/Anything With a Clearance

I'm walking down the hall at school and I hear a toilet flush...immediately followed by a first grader who is (how shall I say it politely?) not all the way zipped and put back together.

We have automatic toilets in our new school (you know; like the ones at the airport--where you're not entirely done with everything and the bottom all of a sudden whooshes and literally drops out from beneath you). That's scary enough for me, but it can be just plain terrifying for a six-year-old. (The automatic sinks are a different story--HOURS could go by and there would still be fun to be had with the automatic sinks in the first grade bathrooms.)

I was afraid of PLENTY when I was six. In fact, without even trying, I came up with a pretty good list:

1) sea kelp: It really doesn't need much explanation. Especially the sea kelp from the Pacific Ocean--it has sea monster tentacles written all over it.

2) the dark: duh. My dad tried taking me outside during the night to show me all of the items in the yard. "See," he said. "It's the same maple tree that's there in the daytime." I wasn't buying any of that. Everyone knows the Wizard of Oz tree comes out at night. The poky sharp parts don't reveal themselves in the daytime. Again: duh.

3) And speaking of the Wizard of, I'm not going to say the flying monkeys--they were nothing compared to the witch flying through the air on the bicycle (you can hear the music playing in your head when I just mention her, can't you?). My parents had to hang a special sheet on my window, because my frilly white curtains didn't hide her flying by.

4) Outhouses when we were camping--it's in the monster-under-my-bed category. Best to go in the woods. Setting foot in one of those places is just asking for something to reach up for you.

5) Clowns--really, why would anyone think they would make children happy? These creatures are something the horror screenwriters claim as their own, and rightly so. If you need anymore convincing of these terror-inducing entities, just talk to my brother. He'll talk you right out of having one at your next party.

6) The monsters/snakes/(fill in the blank) under my bed. I had really well-developed leg muscles for six. And I'm pretty sure I was close to an Olympic qualifying time in the triple jump. I could take a leap from back by my bedroom door and never even skim the lower part of my mattress when I was getting in bed at night.

As I look out my window, I can see it'll be dark soon...all I can say is, I'm PLENTY happy that someone threw water on the mean lady with the flying bicycle...


Unknown said...

Good one! I remember a particularly scary branch on a tree outside my window. My first thought when reading your blog was of Taylor - remember she had to go into Mrs. Webster's room because the regular toilets were too loud - I can't imagine what a wreck she'd be in your new school. In fact just yesterday she started telling me a VERY long list of things she was afraid of including the floor at the movie theatre. Thank goodness you were there for her in first grade to make it a bit better. Have a great day!

Unknown said...

As far as outhouses go... terrifying! Only to be outdone by mortification ~ Grand Beach, Manitoba where my "Uncle" Ivy (she was a great character) had a cottage with no plumbing. Using the outhouse during the day was scary enough but we were not allowed to use it at all at night ~ because even the big people were afraid to go in it! How embarrassing it was to have to use an old fashioned, stone cold, porcelain potty in the night. Sitting,gleaming,in the middle of the open kitchen, by the light of an old Coleman lantern. Mortification ~ well that came the following morning when "Uncle" Ivy would toss the contents out the back door, everyone claiming they didn't use it.

Mary said...

Wow, does this bring back some memories. Well I can just imagine the first graders of course but my grandmother would make us watch the "flying witch" movie every year and I can still here the witch "ha ha ha, come her my sweetie!

Jame said...

Sea kelp! I was terrified of Sigmund and the Sea Monster and I think that is exactly what he was made of!!!